I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
