Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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