the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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