The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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