Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
