i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
