you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
