Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
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I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
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new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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