He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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