i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
