my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
