My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
FUCK WHALES
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
