I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
