Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
