When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
The beer is more important than you right now.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
