Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
