What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
