If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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