just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
