I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
