My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
