There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
