I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
