we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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