I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
