What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
