How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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