Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
