Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
