remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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