Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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