Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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