Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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