At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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