when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
