a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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