I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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