my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
