I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
