Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
