He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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