Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
