Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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