I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
