Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
