the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
