so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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