I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
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You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
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I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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