my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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