My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
