There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
cat food counts as protein by the way
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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