You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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