Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
