K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
