i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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