tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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