i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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