how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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